Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
He burnt his arm on the grill, then turned around and started blaming it on the burger buns...I think it's safe to say he's drunk.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I hate closet cases. I've been wooing this chick the entire quarantine. We finally meet up tonight, we're two drinks in, I've got my hand half way up her skirt and her husband calls. She promised to bring home dinner.
Randomize
