6 figure salary? he just got a little cuter.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
yo knit me an eyepatch. but also make it usable as a thong
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Didn't shower and drew a couple dicks on my face before I went to work. Boss sent me home. Sacrificed my dignity for a 3 day weekend with you guys.
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
He's mad at me because I said I wouldn't date him if his dick was smaller. I fail to see the issue
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
No you just wanted to pass out in your hallway because your room was too far away
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
Randomize
