Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Wish you were here....
And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
During your work shift I was either: a) stoned. b) high. c)stoned. or d) high.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
Like why am I even still facebook friends with a guy I let finger me at a concert?
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
I fucked him on shrooms. His dick looked like a missile and he had snakes coming out of his ears. It. Was. AWESOME!
Randomize
