If that was your dad, he is hot
I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
my clit piercing makes the metal detector go off
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
And theres a reasonable expectation that if you're fighting over a pair of yoga pants on the ground at VS someones gonna videotape it
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
My mouth tastes like what I imagine a hobo's skin would taste like.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
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