my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
COOKIE DOUGH CUPCAKES ARE A THING
Did you really just send me a blank text in response to news as awesome as that?
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
You had me on my knees catching cheese balls in my mouth and moaning. In front of all your friends.
I'm pretty sure that's why we have such good sex because we are secretly trying to kill each other
Everyone says she blew me in the bathroom, so I believe it, I just don't REMEMBER.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Randomize
