I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.
He's rescued me passed out naked on the playground next door and I've rescued him passed out naked in the middle of campus. That's why we're a great couple.
You ask too many questions when I'm blowing you. You're like a dentist asking how my day has been during a cleaning.
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Nothing like sitting at your midterm pissed at yourself because you put your graphing calculator batteries in your vibrator and forgot to put them back in before the exam 😑
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
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