turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
That amazing moment when the girl in the passenger seat decides to strip you while your driving.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
I'm talking to a corgi on tinder..wtf has my life come to
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Last night was fun. Sorry I slipped out before you woke up
Also, your parents get up REALLY early. Please thank them for the bagel and travel mug of coffee. Happy Thanksgiving!
Randomize
