You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
Afterwards she kept poking it and saying "it looks so sad and small" I dont know if I wanted to reach this state in our relationship...
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?
It wasn't good. I can tell by the way he fucks me he watched too much porn
I got asked to "be the filling in a man sandwich." You don't get to pick the club again. EVER.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I think the reason she hasn't text me back is because I spanked her ass with Hulk Hands
We are all done wearing pants today
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Randomize
