I don't get calzones all look the same but taste so different
My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
if it were possible I'd exchange my vagina for a diff one on the black market.
Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.
It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
My most recent midlife crisis involved eating a doughnut in 30 seconds but taking 5 minutes to do half a shot of whiskey, then deciding I wasn't going to finish it.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
Most drunken moment of the night is me pouring Chanel no. 5 all over your boobs and rubbing it in...
I got with him in my watermelon costume so ya you owe me $1
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
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