I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
Somehow last night, my dad got me so drunk that I ended up throwing up on the couch, turning the cushions over to hide it, and going to sleep on them.
You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.
You texted me "Americans are sad" and "chicken coop disaster" without any further explanation.
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
Here's how he asked the pregnant girl for a cigarette. Hey yo prego throw me a square. Not joking.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
I rolled joints beforehand. Lit a candle. Ghetto rigged taping the 40's on my hands and then lit the joint using the flame of the candle.
I'm so proud of your modern ingenuity
I just can't even fathom the crazy and I work at a mental hospital.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
Literally sitting on my bed in the dark trying not to throw up
You thought you were Snapchating on your tablet, but were really just poking John Stamos' face on my Full House dvd case...
Wandering around the streets of Baltimore at two in the afternoon. Just offered a job as a stripper. Think I should accept?
Try an internship first, see if you enjoy it.
false alarm, still single
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