My text messages all automatically add Zs on them cause of your skank ass messages you send me
you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
Dammit labor day drinking cancelled due to 3 inch long table saw cut to palm
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
You're not talking any sense into me. You're cheering me on to disaster.
... is that not half the reason I'm your best friend in the first place?
Blacked in cold and wet, with them areound me singing Aaaaall we are saaaaayiiiing is YOU PEED YOUR PANTS
I'm not strong. I'm hormonal, sad, lonely, and trying to get laid via tinder
I want a musical about memes.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Bowls and Harry Potter this morning. I guess work isn't so bad after all
Randomize
