Whiskey dick.
Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.
Everyday of my life.
i woke up with socks on this morning
so?
i didnt wear socks last night
Five things that make you perfect. Go.
The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.
bathroom sex at kohls isnt as trashy as it seems
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
just cut a line with my blood donor card...i feel like it will help remind me that i was once a productive member of society.
I woke up at 1pm, looked in the mirror and fist pumped...I might still be drunk
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
God gave him joint rollers for hands
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Oh it's not a problem. Cleaning up the yard and disposing of 75 gallons of Jello is all I've got to look forward to today.
That cat I follow on Facebook beat cancer so we're drinking tonight in celebration
HE WAS CUMMING IN THAT DICK PIC
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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