So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Drunk man just did a hand stand, fell over, knocked over a whole table of desserts, and didnt lose his cowboy hat. winner.
Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
I remembered to bring wine in a nalgene bottle, but I forgot sunscreen and water. I'm starting to question my life decisions.
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
A 3am FaceTime to go to IHOP is the closest thing to a bootycall that I'm getting
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Please explain the hospital band on my wrist.
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