I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
If you do wifi you would be helping my penis out & real friends care about their friends penises...
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
He's a college graduate, has an excellent job, and respects his family. To say nothing of his 8.5 inch cock. His narcolepsy not withstanding...I'm marrying this motherfucker.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize