she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
got into a fight with a bouncer over who's moustache is better again last night...
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.
You then proceeded to tell me how good of a cook you were and put raw cookie dough in the champagne.
I can hear my family downstairs singing Christmas carols as I masturbate
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Does this cleavage amount say, “Fuck it, I’m over dating, let’s just fuck?”
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
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