my phone needs a breathalizer
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
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