8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
All I know is that your reaction after this date with him was "I think I did cocaine" so I'm sold on this boy
No...this little piggys going to the bar
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
How many ballsacks did you see last night because I saw eight
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
