i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Like who turns down taking a nap inside of someone in 2014.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
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