you guys were way drunker than both of me
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
Never eat 3 McGriddles and drink a carton of milk. It's like you're successfully killing self but you're alive.
Last night you told her she was rocking the beer gut. Still wondering why you have that black eye?
i have a bunch of little boys around me trying to hit on me
dont be selfish, show some boob
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.
Your pregnant arnt you
Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
Seriously, I look like I crawled out of a bog. Succeeding at being as undateable as possible.
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
You ate ashes out of my bong
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
Randomize
