My vagina is so ashamed right now. It won't even look at me.
Just gave my little brother the collection of clothes that boys have left in my room since I've been in college for his birthday.
do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.
I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.
Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
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