at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
I just woke up to my FedEx of contacts I've been waiting for for about a week and my hungover ass went to the bathroom and used beer instead of contact solution.
I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.
Good thing spelling doesn't count.
girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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