i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?
i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.
Next time, if you wake and bake, make sure you nail the wake part. Not easy to explain to mum. Or the fire brigade.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
WHY CANT I FIND JUST A NORMAL DISNEY LOVING MAN TO PAINT WITH ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND WITH!!
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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