And then a tiny penis fell out of my purse
i need a lesbian romance or unplanned pregnancy for some spicein my life.
is wine microwaveable?
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
I'm one shot of soco 100 away from fucking a mailbox
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
...I think I just watched a boy make a sandwich seductively. What.
Stole my 7th stop sign and 3rd speed limit sign last night. Not even sure how because they were bolted to a cement wall. Tequila gives you strength you didn't know you had.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
My parents left me the house for the weekend...you know what that means?!
Harry Potter marathon and no pants.
Randomize
