i don't have fun when you have fun. i have embarrassment, fear, and significantly less cash in my wallet.
FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
I just saw a girl walk by me wearing a "kiss me I'm pro choice" shirt. Is that a signal for easy access?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
Im eating a cannibus peanut butter and jelly sandwich, while snuggling a stuffed animal. Either this flu is really really harsh or I'm some kind of stoner toddler
He told me he doesn't want to fuck anymore because he needs to focus on school. Either he grew a vagina or he's secretly gay, it has to be one of the two.
He's not drinking on his 21st. Shooting vodka infused Nerf bullets at him would just make a mess and I don't want to be a creep and spike anything... I don't understand awkward boys
I thought I'd never say this, but if I had to choose between these cookies and sex, it would be these cookies
I don't know how it started but we all ended up shirtless andI was covered in crawfish and wearing a sombrero.
I'm doing my accounting homework with my vibrator. Guess whose numbers are balanced on the financial statement? This ladys!
Me and my boss just exchanged pictures of our bongs and such...I don't know I feel about this
Randomize
