There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?
Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
Correction: Jimmy johns. The one pita pit employee has been an asshole to me ever since you locked them out of the store
Also, two points for knowing me well enough to know I definitely would put the moves on his brother.
soo... how was my night?
I'm unsure if I could pee myself at this point in my life
Randomize
