meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
He just asked me if his big had a curved penis. Awkward? I think so.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
Im organizing a group to help fondle my shoe. Too many shots dude. Too many.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
That moment that random you banged behind the bar is going to be your son's third grade teacher... yup I'm there.
I gave him a HANDJOB.
But then he finished from a handjob in under two minutes so who's really laughing?
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
soo... how was my night?
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
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