Very drunk. laura says hi. i can't find my pants. i think i'm in philly, but it might be jersey somewhere
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We had unprotected sex and she's eating life cereal for breakfast. The universe is telling me get the plan b for her
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.
Dad's already had 6 Zionist conspiracy rants and moms trying to detect any "dark energies" in my soul. You have 4 days before you return to this shit: ENJOY THEM
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Why would you waste your Ritalin on your children?
I think it's getting serious, we started a jigsaw puzzle together.
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
He was someone so memorable that I'd completely forgotten he'd existed up to and during the encounter
Randomize
