OMG I just tried to text you something dirty but accidentally texted the obama campaign
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
I think most guys look at porn as a fallback career. I mean I know I do.
I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
You strapped the bucket of KFC into the carseat and refused to let me drive over 20 miles per hour the whole ride home. That high.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
She told me she loves wine, but hates the mud butt the next day. Dude, way to much info on a second date.
Bleach your asshole, I'm on my way.
Who is this?!?!
Remind me to do laundry tomorrow so i have something decent to take off when i get laid.
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
