I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Handle of 100 proof captain dressed like a pilgrim here we go
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
The strip club incident sums up our friendship pretty well
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Woke up this morning naked, wrapped in a bath mat with a wad of singles on the table. I'm calling it a win.
Little does she know that you've out-sourced your conscience to a girl who doesn't even wear pants on a regular basis
The guy in the room next to me just offered to hide the next dose of morphine he will get for his broken leg under his tongue and then swap it with me in exchange for a roll of the good toilet paper my parent brought for me last they visited. The psych ward is a lot more hardcore than I thought.
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
Randomize
