Welp...herpes.
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
That's fuckin bs. I had the bouncers beat by 30 yards til that dumbshit on the moped stopped in front of me.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
You ass. You're not the one who bought me flowers, so obviously you will not be the recipient of the blow job of gratitude.
do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.
I dreampt that we were shooting zombies while we having sex. Is that normal?
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
Literally sucked a dick for ten seconds before I said to myself, this tiny ass penis isn't worth it. My night last night
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Randomize
