There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.
Is it bad to get into the ocean at night? i always thought sharks hated the smell of vomit after drinking
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
I don't know what to think. Also, I decided to take a bath...sorry in advance if I flood the bathroom.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'm in the smoking section between a transvestite molly dealer and a group of juggalos. I shouldn't be that hard to find.
i think im in europe. pls send help
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
Randomize
