I somehow fell asleep on my kitchen counter using the microwave as a pillow
Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.
Is it bad that now when i read ingredients in the food I eat i only read it as shrooms instead of mushrooms ?
it glows. i had to have it.
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
There are empty beer cans all over and the go-kart is missing. I need it for my halloween costume.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
Just taxi'd to the airport holding a zip lock bag of my own vomit. Bachelorette success.
Idk woke up on the suite in someone else's clothing and actually broke my ankle
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Just puked. First it was bright neon blue then it turned to bright lime green. How does that even happen? And wtf was I drinkin last night?
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
