i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
You slid down the bannister into a split. Lines were crossed.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I will no longer accept nudes from you because I met your boyfriend last night and he seems like a nice guy
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
He ran out to tell us that somebody flooded the bathroom, then went back in there fell on his ass and asked why the floor was wet
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
Have you ever forgotten how to pee? I did last night. Standing in front of the urinal with dick in hand. WTF were we drinking???
I'm still thinking about that amazing orgasm last night. I literally heard angels singing "Hallelujah!!"
I'm drunk and don't know where I am. There's a giant metal penguin if that helps.
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