Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
in the 'for' section of the check i put "when we got drunk and broke things". again im sorry.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Gong!
YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT
Also was told that I was her "third favourite booty call" - I'm taking this a good thing right?
It's a podium place so yeah...
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
We almost ended up sober because of u!!
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Took it for the first time last night, and i saw a giant pillsbury boy coming after me with a wrench in his hand.
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
After returning from the hospital with lock-jaw from getting tackle at the game. Some naked chick busted out of his room and hit him with a devastating haymaker to the jaw because he wouldn't have sex
Randomize
