were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
we just bought Vicodin from the Chinese delivery guy, this day just keeps getting better.
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
Pagan metal show. There is a folk dance happening in the mosh pit. Also, I have no idea where we are.
Sloppy and selfish. Your 27 and you don't know where my clit is? BYEEE
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
Enjoy the penises
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
Randomize
