No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.
me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
I suppose drinking a cosmo at lunch alone can't look good but I mean... sometimes it's just necessary
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
Why do I have a vague memory of your entire fraternity climbing in through my bedroom window?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
who is that guy in your bed? he looks like jesus..way to keep it festive
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
Dude come to her party. Someone just took a body shot of rubbing alcohol
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
