There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Jenn from HR called him the new office boy toy. I think I need to bathe in bleach.
Let's make an agreement. No drugs until you finish all your homework. I'm hiding them as we speak.
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
