Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
sometimes i just want to live alone. my roommate keeps looking at me weird like hes never seen a girl eat plain salt before
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.
Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.
how many dildos make it a "collection?"
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Next time, dont ever let me talk to a guy drunk, especially if I have class with him the next day
Who do you have class with??
The guy that pulled down his pants in the middle of the dance floor to show me his tattoo
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
I have experienced an excessively hairy ballsack in my mouth...and it was horrifying. I keep feeling it in my mouth now. It's like hairy ball PTSD.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
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