I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.
Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you
If you value my life, if you value your own, please look for that godforsaken cookie. Please.
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I dont know if hes kidding... but hes drunk and said hes going to shave his balls. Alert your emt friends
it was the kind of sex that I don't even know how my hair extentions are still in
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