i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense
She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
I figured you were on something. You're way too happy right now to be sober
I went home with him again and he LEFT HIS OWN HOUSE at 2 in the morning while I was IN THE BATHROOM.
So the remote for the camera in the photo booth must have gotten dropped on the floor. while you were in there. having a threesome. on the floor of the room where my parents stay when they visit me. so thanks.
Such a big mess for such a small penis
Randomize
