I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
fyi, we didn't break up, we just downgraded to occasional sex without ever talking about it.
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
How do the freshmen here NOT understand the tricks we are playing on them by now? Doesn't bode well for grad numbers. Idiots.
Can you send me a picture of you not naked, my mom wants to see what you look like
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
No. Way more drunk than the night I put a snowball in my purse "for later" and woke up to find everything soaking the next day.
But less drunk than the day that Pete took four of your birth control pills thinking they were Advil, right?
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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