Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband
Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
Also, just woke up in a Romney tank and sequin flag panties. Merica.
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
you grabbed the breathalyzer at dinner, blew a 0.20 and told the waitress you'd eat her ass
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
After we had sex he gave me a thumbs up... fucking A&M Aggies, man
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
