he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
Ya I don't think I'm going anywhere, a cum towel, beer, and Vicodin was just exchanged in our white elephant present game
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
My mom wants to name our new dog the same name as my fuck buddy. This will be weird
Need a Dr's note to excuse me from blowjobs for 3-6 weeks while my jaw heals..
Sorry, I gave half my brain to my thesis and the other half to mdma
As a side note, can you ask the maintenance staff not to drag their balls on our stairwell handrails. Please.
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
