god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
dude sorry about putting my finger in your butt last nite i was wasted and thought it was mine
remind me not to puke in the mesh trash can tonight
I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
but there's so much I wanna do before I have kids. like die
He was asleep with his head on a windowsill and you were petting his head, then you almost left the kitchen and then went back to pet him some more.
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
With a butt like mine I'll never have to pay for Netflix again.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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