Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
Whoa! I think of you when I eat cottage cheese.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
i may or may not be dressed up as my farmville farmer. gonna harvest some ladiesss tonight!!!
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
I remember now some guy came over and hit on me and poured peppermint schnapps and chocolate syrup in my mouth. Pretty sure he was dressed like Santa....
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
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