You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH
I love boston
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.
she left with her roommate. or at least i think she did. but i also just thought i ate candy corn but i'm hal convinced it was candle wax.
Jsyk, in serious talks of trading blowjobs for soup in bed. I'm sober
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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