just threw up while drinking by myself. This is all your fault. You here = a good night, You not here = alcoholism
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
In the car with my brother. His CD went from 2pac to Taylor Swift. I'm concerned. It wasn't a mistake, he knows all the words.
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
What if everything solid was made of oreos and everything liquid was wine
I just got chills
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
“before I show up tits a blazing, what’s the sexual temperature here?“
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
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