Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.
I'm that good.
Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.
if you don't go to jail tommorow I'll buy you a 40. Motivation.
I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My booty call just put me down for a reference for her job at the hospital. What am I supposed to say? She gives great bj's?
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
He kept stopping sex to whisper in my ear, and the only thing I could understand was "double stuffed oreos"
Swear to god our friendship has its limits. Stop peeing on the fucking refrigerator.
What do I do when my mom and I both awkwardly spot the Rocky Horror parody porn sitting on the coffee table? Leave it or try to move it?
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
Randomize