I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo
I look like a sausage in jean shorts, you should have woken up earlier and approved my outfit.
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
I'm ashamed of you 12 hours later and 200 miles away
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm shotgunning a 12 pack at a bus stop. This is why we pay the rent with an auto withdrawal at the beginning of the month
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
that is our friendship pylon, do not lose it
fuck you.
DO NOT LOSE IT
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