I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.
You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.
We invited our waitress tonight to come too.... we told her she had lightning in her veins and in return she taught us a Texas Roadhouse dance so the logical next step was invite her to a kegger.
Yo, I can't just ask my mom where she relocated my vibrator to, can I?
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I admit it could have gone better but look at it this way, since I broke the urn you don't have to worry about spreading the ashes.
Your skill with memes is vaguely frightening
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
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