I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
I'm now in all their contact lists as "Pee-Pee Hands"...
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.
The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Dunno yet. Probably just gonna play the s.t.d. russian roulette game with random bartenders at the beach again. Same 'ol same 'ol
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
I just spent 3 hours in the back of an unmarked police cruiser. Best. Date. Ever.
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
Sooo, my mother is snoring, my ex is sexting me, the guy I'm having an affair with is sending me dick pics, and all I want to do is sleep!
you were so high you just watched the elf.... its spring
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize