I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
im single, its not even nine am on Valentine's day and I've already gotten laid. suck it relationships
Only thing exciting about him was his dick.
I'm not sure of this happened or if it was just a dream... But I vividly remember you walking down the street naked?
No actually I had socks on...
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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