I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.
If I saw her on the street and didn't know about the two of them, I would think the only way she'd ever find love was if she somehow found her way to middle earth and an orc took her in
i called my brother from the living room and paid him a dollar to turn off the light in my room. ive hit rock bottom
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
You need to let me be on top sometimes. I gotta get rid of these love handles
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
