I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
I'm hoping that banging a 24 year old 3 times cancels out banging that freshman on Wednesday
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
I just remembered you petting my nose last night to help the cocaine 'sink in'. I don't think that's how it works
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
im going to smoke a cigarette and reflect on my life choices
Randomize
