i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.
She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.
Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
I can't come tonight. Someone took a shit in the dressing room. A.) Clean it up or B.) Kill myself. Text back with your answer.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
You did profess your love for cotton multiple times and your hatred for all other fabrics
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
Is your gma going to be okay with me passed out drunk on the ground
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
how is it I left wearing underwear then ended up with none? and why is it they are on you?
Randomize
