I don't usually arrange sex via text message
why do all the strippers look like they came from fraggle rock
i just found a bag of weed behind my capital one card. i guess that's what's in my wallet.
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
What? No, wine isn't my weakness, I just love it.
Randomize
