so later when i'm crying over him remind me that he once called his penis "senor weeper"
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
She kept sniffing my sweater and tried to guess what type of detergent I use.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I have mastered the 3 minute room cleaning drill in preparation for the nights possible slam-piece
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
Of course I understand. Thou shalt never turn down a free meal or drink. It's one of the commandments of being a girl.
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
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