11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I think once you know a guy's chest measurements the stalking has gone too far..
! asked the random counter guy from 7/11 for Percocet. he immediately called his hookup
250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
Randomize
